Our modern society conditions us to go around, divert, and sidestep hard things. We don’t like doing them, and we really don’t like feeling them. In personal development, feeling better or improving your life is generally the goal, but sometimes the practices we use to help ourselves grow can be used to bypass and hide from our pain and suffering in unhealthy ways.
In the spiritual community, there is an expectation (and even a promise) that IF YOU JUST DO ALL THE RIGHT THINGS, you will be a zenned out bliss babe and you will feel good all the time. This “good vibes only” strategy can be pretty toxic, and cause us to shove down the very messages our body and heart are begging us to pay attention to.
So what are some common, but ineffective or inefficient ways of feeling our feelings?
- Feeling it a little at a time (the drip method)
- Compartmentalizing (sometimes necessary, but only works well if you make time to feel the things later)
- Stopping yourself from crying
- Spiritual bypassing (I’m fine, it’s fine, good vibes only, faking it)
- Using spiritual practices to avoid feelings
- Spiritual narcissism (I’m fully healed, nothing to see here)
- Getting high or altered
- Avoiding through exercise, sex, eating, social media, anything that distracts you
Sit With It – Accept, Surrender, Allow, and Release
When we feel bad or stuck, a lot of times we will throw every tool that we have at it. Sometimes that works, but sometimes it feels like no matter what you do, nothing is working, and you’re still not feeling any better. Your body will let you know that you have feelings in the bunker that need to be felt. Our bodies are always talking to us, gently alerting us to places that need our attention. This can look like depression, fatigue, anxiety, anger, chronic pain, illness, insomnia, and more. Our bodies will force us to rest if we need to, and the messages continue to get louder when we ignore them.
It’s ok and normal to have a backlog of feelings, we all bypass and avoid, it’s human nature. So how do we move into creating space to feel our feelings?
- Sit with the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the hurt. Accept that this is how you feel. Dive into it. Allow it to be there, and surrender to what is. Let it take how long it takes to feel it. Even weeks or months. This is ok.
- Set a feelings timer and feel what you can handle in one sitting
- Sit down with no distractions alone, sit with yourself and feel it
- Have a temper tantrum – this can look like crying, feeling pity party, and experiencing the feelings
- Express yourself
- Enforce your boundaries
- Ask for what you need when you need it